Unfree matter

What is one to do
when one has a head that doesn’t stop
that’s on full time
that doesn’t know how to take a break
that doesn’t do empty
that laughs at zen
that cries at zen
that screams for control
that tries, tries, tries to keep the void away
and anger and fear and all threats
whereas the absence of those, is the absence of life too

I can’t say I long for death

dead flowers is as far as I’ll go, and easily
cause I’m not very good at taking care of plants
they don’t talk to me
I don’t talk to them
and I’d probably be pissed off if they DID talk to me
because COME ON there are too many people talking to me already
pulling my strings pushing my buttons and i have buttons everywhere EVERYWHERE
I could be a goddamn shop
a haberdasherie

not a hasherie
that would be a Dutch drugs boutique

I want pills pills pills
not that I don’t dislike pills, I do
but I need them
I want happy pills
HAPPY pills
can you imagine that?
there was at time when I wouldn’t even take paracetamol
and now I want pills pills
pills that will make everything better
pills that will make me feel better
pills that will keep me from losing it with my child
because I’m endlessly fed up with his behaviour
and then feel totally embarrassed because the child’s seven for pete’s sake
shouldn’t he have a mother who keeps it together
who raises him so that she never feels the need to flip a finger
who moulds, him shapes him
grinds him like a coffee bean
and turns him into the best coffee in the world –

now that you mention it
it doesn’t sound nice to utilize your child to make coffee

what is one to do
when one has a head that doesn’t stop
that’s on full time
that tries, tries, tries to keep the void away?

This was today’s prompt at napowrimo.net: “Today, I’d like to challenge you to take one of your favorite poems and find a very specific, concrete noun in it. For example, if your favorite poem is this verse of Emily Dickinson’s, you might choose the word “stones” or “spectre.” After you’ve chosen your word, put the original poem away and spend five minutes free-writing associations – other nouns, adjectives, etc. Then use your original word and the results of your free-writing as the building blocks for a new poem.”

I really wanted to try this prompt before I read other people’s work, to see what would happen. Now that I’ve written it, I want to post it straight away instead of saving it for day 30. Let’s see what tomorrow brings 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Unfree matter

  1. Jim

    I too like ro write before reading other’s writings on the prompt.
    A nice ‘mixed up’ poem, Angela. If there is a name for this type I wish I knew it. It is fun to read, I’m sure as much to write.
    I understand the pill liking, I’m addicted to Vicodon. It makes me a bit more goofy, a lot more happy, and a lot better Texas 42 (a Domino game) player.
    ..

    Reply
  2. Dawn D

    Wow!! Very nice!
    As for the child deserving a mother who is more settled and so on… something that worked for me (aside from becoming aware that I needed help) was to realise I should not ascribe my child with the same twisted mind my parents ascribed to me. What I mean is to try and always believe your child comes from a loving, innocent place.
    Also, I highly recommend “Positive Discipline” by Dr Jane Nelsen. I heard her talk, I read her books and have been trying to put them into practice and it helped me become a better mom.

    Reply
      1. Dawn D

        That’s the whole point of blogging, isn’t it?
        I had not the nicest childhood, and when I saw fear in my child’s eyes is when I realised I needed help. I didn’t want to relive with my children what I’d experienced as a child. I was messed up enough, no need to mess them up too.
        But I had little idea how to do it. A few people helped me along the way. Including Jane Nelsen.
        But as you could see in my post, I’m still learning.
        So thank YOU for allowing me to put words, to express my thoughts out loud, it helps me realise I still have a ways to go, but also helps me crystalize the ideas in my on mind 😊
        Thank you for being brave enough to share this!

      2. Angela van Son Post author

        You could have two blogs if you want to, and reblog the public on on your closed one for your regular readers. Just a thought!

        I’d have replied more in this lovely exchange on the difficult job of raising children if this blog wasn’t public.

      3. Dawn D

        Ha!
        Yes, having a public non-anonymous blog does have some drawbacks!
        I don’t think I have the energy to juggle two blogs. But I’ll let that thought go its way in my convoluted brain and who knows…

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